Selecting which war to fight

[Jerry Peck]

IT TAKES MORE THAN CHOPPED LIVER

Jews have marched on--and survived--for millennia, with a little help from their brains, not to mention their humor:

The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

"This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We're officially declaring war on you!"

"How big is your army?" the president asked.


"There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!"


"I have a million in my army," said the president.


"I'll call back!" said Mendel.


The next day he called. "The var's still on!" We have now a bulldozer, Goldblatt's tractor plus the canasta team!"


"I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million."


"Oy gevalt!", said Mendel. "I'll call back."


He phoned the next day. "We're calling off the var"


"Why?"


"Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[John Arnold]

I couldn't have said it better.
What the heck are you talking about?

[Gunnar Alquist]

Uh-oh... Jerry appears to have lost it. First, the white rabbit, then this. Probably too many main and sub panels. ;)

[Jerry Peck]

Dang thing I was trying to paste had too many hidden format codes and this would not accept them, I finally had to paste it to MS Notepad as even MS Wordpad did not remove it all.

[Jerry McCarthy]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,

"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Rick Hurst]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
Small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Rick Hurst]

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."


The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

[Rick Hurst]

How Fights Get Started

[Matt Fellman]

A father is sitting on his front porch with his shotgun while his three daughters prepare for prom night.... Dad's none to happy about this and a little tense.

First guy pulls up: "Hi, my name's Freddi, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" Dad figures he's okay and wishes them well.

Second guy pulls up: "Hi, my name's Bo, I'm here to pick up Jo, we're going to go to the show, is she ready to go?" Again, Dad likes the kid okay and wishes them a good evening.

Third guy rolls up in a loud, fast car with the music blarring. Already, Dad is a bit annoyed and cocks his gun. The kid gets out and says "Hi, my name is Chuck....." - and Dad shot him dead on the lawn.

[Jack Feldmann]

I would have shot the second one first - it was prom night after all.

[Jerry Peck]

**THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH***

He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.

[Jerry McCarthy]

Voted best joke in Australia

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

[Richard Rushing]

Old one... (we now substitute "little'en" or "little people" for "dwarf")

Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"
A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun (run) awound?"

[Rick Hurst]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'


Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the cop's Face....... PRICELESS!

[Jerry Peck]

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.