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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Ormond Beach, Florida
    Posts
    26,246

    Default just for a smile or two

    Yiddish Humor

    Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

    Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

    Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question." Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

    Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

    Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

    "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"

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  2. #2
    Ron Bibler's Avatar
    Ron Bibler Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    That great Jerry. Thanks


    Ron


  3. #3
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry Peck View Post
    Yiddish Humor

    Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

    Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

    Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question." Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

    Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

    Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

    "Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
    JP: I would say that this accident happened in Flahdah.


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Healdsburg, CA
    Posts
    1,741

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Mrs. Habersham went to the funeral parlor to view her husband before the ceremony.

    After a quick look she summoned the funeral director and said, “You’ve got my husband layed out in a brown suit and he hated brown. Now that other gentleman over there in that casket is wearing a blue suit, which by the way was my husband’s favorite color.”

    The director replied, “If you just step out of our slumber room for a minute I’ll take care of it.”

    A short moment later he called Mrs. Habersham back in and asked, “Now is that better?”

    “Oh my yes and I know my husband would be happy now wearing the blue suit.” Then she looked again and said, “I was out of the slumber room for only a minute or two so how did you change the suits so quickly?”

    The funeral director smirked and replied, “Who changed suits, I only changed heads.”


    Jerry McCarthy
    Building Code/ Construction Consultant

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Healdsburg, CA
    Posts
    1,741

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    I'm sure most have seen this, but for those that have not this makes perfect sense for the inspectors who where former builders.

    A short dictionary of construction terminology

    Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

    Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

    Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

    Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

    Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

    Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

    Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

    OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

    Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

    Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

    Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

    Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

    Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

    Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

    Jerry McCarthy
    Building Code/ Construction Consultant

  6. #6
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
    JM: My favorite.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Rockwall Texas
    Posts
    4,519

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    a little more humor. And yes I embellished it a bit.



    MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER
    One day a fourth grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
    did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, home inspector,
    mechanic, another home inspector, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer,
    and a father attending a home inspection school and so forth.
    However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
    the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,
    'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
    all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his
    underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home
    with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'
    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
    other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin
    aside to ask him,
    'Is that really true about your father?'
    'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
    Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year,
    but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'


  8. #8
    Ron Bibler's Avatar
    Ron Bibler Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    I don't get it ? Rick... L.O.L.

    Best

    Ron
    SANTA ROSA PEST CONTROL .COM


  9. #9
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Bibler View Post
    I don't get it ? Rick... L.O.L.

    Best

    Ron
    SANTA ROSA PEST CONTROL .COM
    RB: Rick don't get it either . . .


  10. #10
    Richard Stanley's Avatar
    Richard Stanley Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Everyone is getting it. Just remember to bend the knees a little while you are bent over.


  11. #11

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

    Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said: 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

    The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

    As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

    All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

    Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

    The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:

    'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

    The wrestler answered: 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

    I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

    The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

    'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

    True Professionals, Inc. Property Consultant
    877-466-8504

  12. #12
    chris mcintyre's Avatar
    chris mcintyre Guest

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.

    A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:
    Two seriously good-looking, 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

    You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

    I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, three times Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

    So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

    Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.


  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Green Lane, PA
    Posts
    17

    Default Re: just for a smile or two

    Bwhahahahhahahahhahahaha


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