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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Ormond Beach, Florida
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    26,243

    Default For those who ride motorcycles ...

    OK, it’s not about a Harley, but then, no self-respecting Harley owner would ever fess up to this kind of silliness, now would they?

    Slow cruise on a Valkyrie

    I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.

    I was on Brice street – a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

    It was a squirrel and it must have been trying to run across the read when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it --- it was that close! I hat to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

    I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

    Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and lept!

    I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for , “Bonsai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” The leap was nothing short of spectacular. He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

    Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

    Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

    I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

    It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

    Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

    His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle off a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

    The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in – well, I just plan screamed.

    Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

    The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder!

    With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

    About this time, the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me!

    As the face shield closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however the rpm’s on the Valkyrie maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

    Now, picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

    Finally, I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked – sort of.

    Spectacularly sort of – so to speak.

    Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quite residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car!

    I heard the screams. They weren’t mine.

    I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things.

    First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody’s front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver’s seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway.

    That was one thing. The other?

    Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car, but it was all his.

    I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves, and a whole lot of Band-Aids.

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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    St Paul, MN
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    1,628

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Very old story. Posted on not less than 50 other sites on the 'net.

    MinnesotaHomeInspectors.com
    Minnesota Home Inspectors LLC
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  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    St. Louis, Mo. area.
    Posts
    276

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    But a good one nevertheless! Thanks for posting it Jerry!

    Merry Christmas to all!


  4. #4

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Thanks for posting that one. I've seen it before and I think I wet my pants I laughed so hard. Lost track of it. Now I have it again. ROTFLMAO
    (for you "old guys" that's "rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off"

    True Professionals, Inc. Property Consultant
    877-466-8504

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Tyler, TX
    Posts
    719

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    ok, I was laughing out loud and crying at the same time. Man, that was funny. I really thought it was happening to Jerry until I read the other posts. dang...that's what made it funnier.

    Bruce Thompson, Lic. #9199
    www.TylerHomeInspector.com
    Home Inspections in the Tyler and East Texas area

  6. #6
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Scooter trash "humor' eludes me.


  7. #7
    Ron Bibler's Avatar
    Ron Bibler Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Quote Originally Posted by A.D. Miller View Post
    Scooter trash "humor' eludes me.
    Everything eludes you Bagdad Bob... Try this... when one runs over a squirrel on a Bike they are very soft

    Best

    Ron

    P.S. Thanks: Jerry that was funny...


  8. #8
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    when one runs over a squirrel on a Bike they are very soft
    RB: The same is true of scooter trash pleasantly crunching beneath the wheels of nearly any other vehicle large enough for the task at hand.


  9. #9
    Ron Bibler's Avatar
    Ron Bibler Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Quote Originally Posted by A.D. Miller View Post
    RB: The same is true of scooter trash pleasantly crunching beneath the wheels of nearly any other vehicle large enough for the task at hand.
    We all got to go sometime After its done it don't matter how you went...your time is over.

    Had a few friends go by way of bike under the car trick... Kind-of-mess...

    I can only hope that when my time is up I go in a way that will shock everyone. Even you Bagdad Bob. People saying I can't Believe how he Died Man that was Dang

    For me to die is gain and to be with Christ for ever...

    Best

    Scooter trash boy


  10. #10
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    For me to die is gain and to be with Christ for ever...
    RB: Please do not tarry on my account.


  11. #11
    Ron Bibler's Avatar
    Ron Bibler Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Quote Originally Posted by A.D. Miller View Post
    RB: Please do not tarry on my account.
    Say a Bagdad Bob... Its not my time yet

    Do you known when it will be yours?

    Best

    Ron


  12. #12
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Bibler View Post
    Say a Bagdad Bob... Its not my time yet

    Do you known when it will be yours?

    Best

    Ron
    RB: Remember what your imaginary friend did to the money changers in the temple? That shall surely come to pass right here on this forum if you do not voluntarily cease and desist with your Bagdad Bob BS. Believe me, you will not appreciate the handle I adhere to your ass . . .


  13. #13
    Ron Bibler's Avatar
    Ron Bibler Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    Quote Originally Posted by A.D. Miller View Post
    RB: Remember what your imaginary friend did to the money changers in the temple? That shall surely come to pass right here on this forum if you do not voluntarily cease and desist with your Bagdad Bob BS. Believe me, you will not appreciate the handle I adhere to your ass . . .
    A.D.Miller... L.O.L. I was wondering how long it would take for you to say someting... I think is been about 4 or 5 months... L.O.L.

    You shall be called A.D.Miller from now on...

    Your best friend... Love ya man...

    Ron aka Scooter trash boy...

    P.S. He is a fact in history. Every time you put a date on something you note his birth year. FYI.


  14. #14
    A.D. Miller's Avatar
    A.D. Miller Guest

    Default Re: For those who ride motorcycles ...

    I was wondering how long it would take for you to say someting... I think is been about 4 or 5 months... L.O.L.
    RB: Just goes to show you I am a more patient creature than you might suspect. The lack of the "h" in Bagdad bothered me more than anything.


    You shall be called A.D.Miller from now on...
    RB: Thank you. And I shall cease using the scooter trash term - well, at least on this forum.


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