Thread: I'm writing inspectors joke book...

GORILLA REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in
30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's
got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
asks the Homeowner."

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

"The inspector shall describe... the location of the main water shutoff..."

The wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.

WIFE FROM HELL A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)
Only when he's been drinking.

Thomas W. McKay
ASHI Certified inspector

Love the one about the Septic man and the floating condoms.

Another true story:

Was inspecting and old farm house in western North Carolina that was owned by an old lady who lived with her 20 year old grandson. When I entered the large attic area I saw a light behind the brick chimney on further investigation I found a grow house full of marihuana plants, had a watering system and grow lights. According to our standards we were required to inform the homeowner in the event we found something which could pose her a problem. I did advise her in private that someone was using the space for illicit purposes. She became enraged and went to the kids bedroom in front of the client and threw his ass out and called the cops. After the inspection and while making a hasty retreat I was pulled up by the young clients and asked how we could keep this quiet? I did ask the Realtor some time later what happened she said they did buy the farm and apparently are living there "Happy Happy".

Thomas W. McKay
ASHI Certified Inspector

Back in the 80's I was working for a mechanical contractor and had a fairly beat up Ford F-150 with boxes and a ladder rack. I was on the highway when the lights and siren came up behind me, I pulled over fairly quickly. The state police officer comes up to the window and asks me " DO YOU KNOW YOU WERE DOING 98 MILES AN HOUR?". I replied "I could not have been going that fast officer." "Why not?" he asked. I said "Look at the speedometer, It only goes up to 85!" When he stopped laughing, he let me off with a warning. True story.

Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."

A short time after my uncle passed away up in Maine, his kids were blessed with a small amount of money each. My cousin Alice and her husband Tom decided it would be a great opportunity to purchace that double wide they had wanted. With cash in hand they went to the trailer park office to purchase thier "dream home". They were taken aback a bit when they found out the "association" had to approve new buyers. To make a long story short, my family failed the interview to become trailer trash! Unfortunately True Story. Shallow gene pool. No diving.

David,

I'm sure the white trash association was just a bit leary of your family members.

After all, who in their right mind would pay cash for a trailer home?

rick

Did the contractor do this work before or after lunch ?

Originally Posted by John Kogel

New joke. It's actually an old one from the 50's, that's the 1950's, pre-inspector school.

First oldtimer inspector to remember the punch line gets the laugh!

Teacher: Randy, what are the three major parts of a potbelly stove?

A few dead brain cells out there, huh?

Teacher: "Randy, what are the three major parts of a potbelly stove?"

Randy: "Lifter, Leg and Poker".

Teacher: "Wipe that smirk off your face! Do you want to stay after school for that?"

Voice from the back of the classroom: "Yeah Randy, ya gonna lifter leg and poker?"