Thread: I'm writing inspectors joke book...

I'm writing an inspectors joke book...

I need your jokes.

If it's your joke please say so. If not please say so...

Let's poke some fun at ? Agents, Bankers, Attorney's, Other inspectors,

Your Wife My Wife... L.O.L....

Best

Ron

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OK, what crawls around under houses
puts on chapstick before entering a Real Estate office
Knows every freaking thing wrong with their own home
but doesn't fix one
drives around town looking at roof condition of houses he could care less about
and gets people to laugh about the piece of crap house they are going to buy
and rhymes with nibbler

TM

Oh, sorry, wrong kind of inspector joke.

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a real estate broker who, through a curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman said, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a real estate broker!”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a real estate

What rhymes with nibbler? A home inspector?

Question to ask the realtor.
"What's the difference between a rocket scientist and a simpleton?
You don't know? Well, a rocket scientist would know."

Client question."Why did they finally have to scrap the Starship Enterprise?"
Hector Inspector . "William shat'n'er."

Those are two I made up. At least, I think I did.

They will be a lot less Agents to pick on in Illinois, as they are forcing all the part time people out , they are making it a requirement to have your brokerage license knowing the part timers will probably bail out because of the added expense, that is only my opinion .

Not mine, but I thought was funny.

Q) There is a Used Car Salesman, a Realtor and a Lawyer. And you have a gun with two bullets… Which should you shoot?
(A) You should shoot the realtor twice… Just to be sure.



My Realtor sold me a 2-story. One before the closing and another one after.

John, What rhymes with nibbler? A home inspector? NO!
A Bibler

Originally Posted by daniel nantell

They will be a lot less Agents to pick on in Illinois, as they are forcing all the part time people out , they are making it a requirement to have your brokerage license knowing the part timers will probably bail out because of the added expense, that is only my opinion .

This happened in my area about 5 years ago..... it made no real change. Just a bunch more small real estate companies... single owner type things.

As for jokes....

What has 50 legs and two teeth? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert (feel free to sub in your least favorite real estate company or lawyer).

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirtbag.

Lawyer, Priest and Rabbi in a sinking ship.... Lawyer grabs the only lifeboat and says "let's go!" - Rabbi says, "what about the kids?" - Lawyer says "screw the kids" - Priest asks, "Are you sure there's time?"

A priest. alcoholic, and a pedophile walk into a bar.....and that's just the first guy.

True story.
Home inspector to client, "Looks like someone shot that thermopane window with a slingshot."
Realtor "But the hole's only on the inside".
Home inspector to client, "The seal is broken."
Realtor "Right, but only on the inside".

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Why do they dig a hole 12' deep for a reel-tour's funeral?
'Cause deep-deep down reel-tours are good people too.


You can always tell a home inspector, you just can't tell him anything.

What's the one thing that two home inspectors can agree on? That the third inspector doesn't know what he's talking about.

So far Rick Hurst takes the prize. I do believe I heard that or something like that before but it still stands strong. Now, put that the the mouths of a thousand and have them all say that joke out loud and maybe one will do a good delivery. Body motion adds to it quite a bit.

You guys are on a rool...

Yep I like Ricks and Wayne's...

I did copy Wayne's and sent it out to 400 Real Estate agents...

Only one gave a reply... I Think she has thing for frogs...

Best

Ron

I doubt if any of you know this, but I play the bagpipes.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the boonies in east Texas.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical guy I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my truck. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

People are often led to believe that the Scots invented the 'pipes. Though they be magnificent weapons of war, it was an Englishman attempting to create a musical instrument that first brought this contraption into being. And though he had created it, this English inventor could never seem to make the beautiful music he had hoped. And so onto the trash heap it was tossed. A Scotsman subsequently discovered the long forgotten pipes, and being being ever so frugal, took them home. They have being blowing the crap out of them ever since.

Rick's Septic Tank joke takes the cake !!! Hilarious !!!

not inspector joke but real good.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please
follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'



*******************************



MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



*******************************



FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way..
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.



SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... And they need a laugh, too!

What's the difference between a bad attorney and a good attorney?

A bad attorney will take years to settle a case.

A good attorney will even make it last longer.

There're just not enough nice lawyer stories :
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road- side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?""

We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and 6 children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "
"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo crap. It means someone stole the tent. "

I went to the doctor today for my yearly physical. She told me that I needed to quit masturbating. I asked her why? She said, Cause I'm trying to examine you.

Roy the Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

i wanna watch
My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Rolex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I wanna watch .....

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bar keep says " You know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate says "ARRRR, Its drivin me nuts"

I was entertaining two beautiful young girls. They were really digging me. I know they really liked this old man, because, when I walked away, sprutting my stuff, I heard one of them say, "what an ass."
What I really hate about getting old, is leaving all the young girls behinad.

I meant to say strutting myself.

And I meant behind.

Philip,

There is an edit button in the lower right hand corner of you post that allows you to ........edit you post.

Originally Posted by Matt Fellman

I told them a little caulk should fix it

"Now, Thelma, did he say thet's a job for a fellah with a little caulk?"

"If he did, then why didn't HE fix it?"

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work?...........................I-Hop
G

On the night of their 20th wedding anniversary a lady wakes up to find her husband not in bed with her. She gets up and starts looking around only to find him sitting at the kitchen table nursing a drink. Honey are you Ok? She asks. Yea I'm fine go back to bed says he, I'm just sitting here thinking. What are you thinking about? She asks. Well I was thinking about our senior prom he says. Oh I remember that night she says with a grin. Well do you remember us making out in the back of my car? Oh yes she says with an even bigger grin. And do you remember your Dad catching us and telling me that if I didn't marry you he'd have me thrown in prison for rape? Blushing she says Yes that's Daddy for you. The man looks up with tears in his eyes and sniffles...I'd have gotten out tomorrow.....

I don't know how to write this up as a joke, but I find the situationfunny.

The inspection report indicated that there was one electrical outlet in each bedroom that didn't function properly and would require an electrician to evaluate the problem. Each bedroom had a wall switch but no ceiling light fixture.

A doctor is examining a 30 year old woman, and asks her a question.

Doctor: Ma'am, the chart here indicates you've been married three times, but it appears you're still a virgin. How is that possible?

Woman: Well, my first husband married me right before he left for war, and he never returned. And my second husband died in a car accident on the way from the reception to our hotel.

Doctor: Okay, I didn't know that, but your husband is also a patient of mine, and I know you've been married for 5 years!

Woman: Oh, well as you know, he's a real estate developer, and all he does is every night just sit on the end of the bed telling me how great it's going to be. . . . how great it's going to be.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out on the range. Tonto gets off his horse Paint and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come," he tells the Ranger. "You can hear them through the ground?" the Ranger asks. "No," Tonto replies, "my ear is stuck to the prairie."

True story. I was with a Veterinarian and his wife and she was telling about the time she had bent over and the old Rooster tried to treat her like a chicken. A younger rooster intervened and there was a cock fight. She thought the young rooster was defending her honor. I looked at her husband and asked him why he never told his wife that the young rooster was just wanting to be the first in line.

Three dogs were in the pound lamenting their fates. The first said I chewed the masters couch up, lifted my leg and left my mark - I expect to not see the sunrise tomorrow - Owwww. The second said - I dug through the kitchen trash for leftovers and took a dump in the darkest corner of the closet - the same fate awaits for me - Owwww. The third dog said - the masters mate bent down to get something under the bed - I mounted her and had my way. I'm in here for a bath, teeth cleaning and nail trim.

Loan Texas style
A Redneck from Sweetwater, Texas, walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000? "

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA.

A home inspector and his wife were driving on a very cold day when she saw a baby skunk on the side of the road. "Honey, let's stop and check on him," the wife says. "Sure," he answered. She got out of the car and brought the animal to the door. "Can I get in with it?" she asked, "it is so cold." "Sure," he answered. "Where can I put it to warm it faster?" She asked. "Put it between your legs," he told her. "But what about the smell?" she asked. "Hold it's little nose," he answered, "it will be okay." The home inspector survived the attack but the skunk died of blunt force trauma.

Funny situation last week. Not-so-Smiling Buddha above the stairway, just in case you step into the stairwell with no railings?

Guess where the only attic access hatch would be?

Home Inspector from the top of a fully extended Telesteps, which is perched on the 7th stair to heaven: "What's the penalty for dropping a Buddha?"

Client: "Penalty? What penalty? Nobody said anything to me about a penalty."

Realtor: "Oh, there's nothing to see up there. It's all been renovated."

Buddha: "Seven lifetimes very bad luck, sucker, starting with this one."

What's the difference between a home inspector and a vampire? Vampires suck blood, home inspectors just suck!

A beautiful girl is running with her dog down the beach by my house, so I yelled out "HEY NICE PIG" The girl turns back to me and says "That's not a pig, that's a dog!" I replied "I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG!

What do you call a pop-up camper down south? A starter home!

Originally Posted by David Bell

What do you call a pop-up camper down south? A starter home!

Yo mama calls it good times.

"Good Times" to my momma was a tv show in the seventies that introduced her to black people. Might not be real PC,, but it is true.

But if you want to go the yo mama way. Yo mama so fat, I got done hav'n my way,rolled over twice, and still wasn't off her.

Yo mama so fat I slapped her on the thigh and rode the wave in.

Yo mama so fat and so short, the last time she saw her feet was in her drivers licence photo.

Yo mamma so fat she puts mayonaise on her diet pills!

Yo mamma's so fat her feet never get wet when she takes a shower!

Yo mamma's so fat she is the only person I know that can play hide and go seek with her bellybutton!

Yo momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!

Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama's so fat, the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street."one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.

New joke. It's actually an old one from the 50's, that's the 1950's, pre-inspector school.

First oldtimer inspector to remember the punch line gets the laugh!

Teacher: Randy, what are the three major parts of a cast iron cookstove?

Randy: "___________ ________ and _________"

I was reading a book at an open house today, and it was full of really bad advice. One part was so bad that it was funny, so I'll paraphrase and convert it into a joke. But this isn't much different than what was in the book!

How does a home inspector find their home?

1. First he uses the garage door opener and his peripheral vision because openers have a range of about 150 feet and may open away from where he is located.

2. If the contents of the garage don't look familiar, it may still be the HI's house.

3. If the HI sees children outside the house, he asks them if they've seen his son or daughter. By their reaction he tries to judge if his children might be inside the house.

4. He checks the name on the mailbox to see if it matches his. He checks the number on the mailbox to see if it's the same as his. He opens the mailbox to see what's inside. If it's not the HI's name and address, he puts the mail back.

5. The HI tries the key in the lock.

This book was called Worst Case Scenarios . . . .

Originally Posted by John Kogel

New joke. It's actually an old one from the 50's, that's the 1950's, pre-inspector school.

First oldtimer inspector to remember the punch line gets the laugh!

Teacher: Randy, what are the three major parts of a cast iron cookstove?

Randy: "___________ ________ and _________"

Anybody got memory cells that survivedthe 60's?

Not quite the 60s, but my first concert was Grand Funk Railroad at Colt Park in Hartford 1974,, an unknown band called Yes opened up for them. The Colt park was named after Samuel Colt and his Repeating Arms Factory

The southern new mother after just giving birth was asked by the staff to fill out a questionaire regarding her stay at the hospital. After answering all the typical questions she came upon the last one asking why she chose this hospital? Her response was because this is where the prison guards brought me!

David,

Do you know what the difference is between Connecticut women and a bowling ball?

Here are some inspector cartoons that might give you some ideas for jokes Enjoy these inspector cartoons. - InterNACHI

Rick,
Don't take things so personal, I actually used to date a girl from Alvin Texas in the 80s. She even gave me the famous "Where In The Hell Is Alvin?" orange t-shirt.

Personal?

I never take humor personal?

rick

Originally Posted by Rick Hurst

David,

Do you know what the difference is between Connecticut women and a bowling ball?

Is it something to do with the number of fingers they take?

I actually was going to say," I only put my fingers in a bowling ball on Thursdays"

No the difference is you could eat the bowling ball if you had too!

This is not a joke, exactly, but something I witnessed a few years ago while inspecting a house in Colorado.

The septic tank guy arrived when I was finishing up, so I figured I would wait, watch, and see if I could learn anything. So, its me, the septic guy and the buyer (husband), wife was inside talking to sellers.
So the septic guy pulls the lid off, and says "oh, never put used condoms down the toilet, put them in the trash." There were hundreds of condoms floating in the tank. Just then, the seller (husband) walks out, and the buyer calls him over to show him all the floating condoms, and to tell him what the septic guy said about not flushing them.

The seller looks in the tank, and has this weird look on his face. He says "I had a vasectomy 10 years ago, I dont use condoms. The septic guy says, "well, maybe it was the person who lived here before, or maybe kids?"

The seller, still not grasping the whole story says, "we built this house 5 years ago, nobdy has ever lived in it but us, and we have no kids or anyone who stays over."

At this point, the light came on for him, he says that f###### s###. He runs in the house screaming, drags his wife outside, and shows her all the condoms. The look of guilt was priceless. Then, the septic guys says, "well at least she used protection." The guy went insane, threw everyone out, (didnt let the septic guy put the lid back on even.)

The realtor, buyers, and yes, the septic guy and I went and had lunch and a few beers discussing the days events.

I talked to the realtor a few weeks later and asked what happened. The people did sell the house to the buyers. Instead of the sellers upgrading to a larger house, they filed for divorce.

True story.

Paul,

Great story, but the poor wife might have been innocent all along as you can see below. But, she should have known better than to flush down into a septic system.

20 uses for a condoms


1. Hair tie
2. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
3. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
4. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
5. Wet suit for a ferret
6. Finger puppets
7. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
8. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup
9. Rubber boot for a peg leg
10. Latex toe warmers
11. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
12. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
13. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
14. To keep candles dry when camping
15. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
16. To quickly fill water pistols
17. Bicycle tire tube
18. Change purse
19. Goodyear Blimp model 20. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

Originally Posted by fritzkelly

A home inspector appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’
St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the inspector offered.
‘On a home inspection in the city, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap outa all of you!’
St. Peter was quite impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago.’

Good one, lol

Ok Ok Ok

Why is it so windy in New Mexico?

Because Texas sucks and Arizona blows!!

Pest Control.........
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there? " the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."