Thread: On the lighter side...

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Some old men can still think fast.


_____________________________

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That ' s why she cuts the grass."
_________________________________________________

Subject: The Blonde and The Chimpanzees

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from
San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose
truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I
don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you
possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you
$100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the
blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the
back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through
the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was
horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the
street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and
ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I
gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had
money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

>>>>
>>>>




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I know that last one wasn't true, cuz there wouldn't be enough of $100 left from three going to the San Diego Zoo.

Jack,

You mention the zoo.

We are headed out in about 2 weeks for California and plan on hitting the SD Zoo. There is going to be 6 adults going to the zoo. Never been there, I hear its great. I guess your saying I need to take some extra cash.

We're mainly going to be just relaxing in the Laguna Beach area.


Rick

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signals, the phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last
night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf
clubs so I could get a good vi ew of the whole street when she arrived
home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she
was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties
out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver
appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

THE BARBER & THE MEXICAN

One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut.
After the cut he goes to pay the barber.....
I am sorry I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing a community service.
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes
to open his shop, there is a thank you card and
one dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also
goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the
barber replies: I'm sorry I cannot accept money
from you I'm doing community service.
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open
his shop, there is a thank you card and
one dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and
he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: I'm sorry I can't accept
money from you I'm doing a community service.
The Mexican cook is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his
shop guess what he finds there?..................



A dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut !!
PINCHE RAZA!!

Guy goes golfing with his wife.
On the 10th tee he hooks it and catches his wife right in the head.
She drops like a stone.
Ambulance comes but it's too late
They take her to the morgue
Two days later the man gets a call from the coroner
coroner says' " As law dictates we had to perform an autopsy on your wife."
Guy says "yes"
Coroner says" well we know she died from a golf ball hitting her in the head but we found a golf ball up her rectum during the procedure, any thoughts?"
Guy says, " Oh yeah, that was my mulligan"

GAS? FURNACE

He's got his fingers in everything dosen't he! Bombs and beans

Hi Rick,

Welcome to my part of the world. Laguna is a bout 10 miles north of me (San Clemente San Clemente Beach Camera ).

While you are in Laguna MAKE SURE you go to the Pageant of the Masters Festival of Arts - Pageant of the Masters | Overview | About Pageant of the Masters

Even if you are not into art you will be blown away. Don't miss it.

You can leave the rain gear behind

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh that,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?"

He replied, "First, Tarzan check for squirrel."

Richard Moore:

Now that's funny! ROTFLMAO!

Rick

Hey Rick,

Good to see you back here. I thought the change of boards was going to be like the kid who went to school, then came home only to find that his parents had moved....

Rick,
I really don't remember the cost of the zoo, but like anything else, they get you for just about everything there. It IS a great zoo.

A week ago we went to Atlanta for the weekend and went to the new aquarium. parking was high, admission was high, etc. But we had fun.

Brian is so right about the Pageant of the Masters. We had a family member that was on the arts board and got us tickets every year. It is really a must see for adults. We used to take our daughter, but adults appreciate it a lot more. I'm not sure when it runs, but you can probably get info on line.

Be sure to go to an In & Out Burger. It is a must do. If you want to have a heart attack on a bun, order a four by four (it's not on the menu), if not a double-double will get you thru. The fries are fresh cut and the shakes are very good too.

El Pollo Loco is also really good for grilled chicken with mexican side dishes. It's also a chain, so you should be able to find a bunch of them.

Have fun
JF

Personally, I think In & Out is overrated. Burgers are OK and the fries are limp and greasy. Better than most chains, but not good enough. There are other places that I will go to first. Usually local burger joints.

While sitting smoking his pipe the Indian chief is approached by a small boy.

The boy asks, “Chief, can I ask you a question?”

Chief replies, “Yes, you may.”

The boy says, “I have been told that you name every newborn infant in our tribe.”

Chief: “That’s our tradition and that’s what I do.”

Boy: “How do you come up with their names?”

Chief: “Whatever I see during or right after the birth inspires me for giving them their name.”

Boy: “Can you give me an example?”

Chief: “Yes, after your older brother was born I looked up into the sky and saw a soaring eagle so I named him Soaring-Eagle.”

Boy: “What about my sister?”

Chief: “Oh, when she was born I saw a running deer in the woods so naturally I named her Running-Deer.”

The boy fell silent while pondering what the chief had told him and eventually the chief looked down and said: “Well is that about it or do you have any more questions for me two-dogs-humping?”

Little Johhny

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the Mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be ****-outta-luck if he needed glasses."

Vaseline

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.


I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Damn-it Rick!

I get to laughing with I first read the title, "Little Johnny". That little bass-turd has had me in stitches all my life...

__________________________________________________ __________
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life.

Hillbilly Vasectomy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

After their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The fellow said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, Missouri, and West Virginia.

Wally world greeter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two bratty kids , yelling obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice kids you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no
they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice."

dear abby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them. "I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs,that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the proshop where I bought it?

Signed,Perplexed

Calling in Sick

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The
boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.... You got nice house."

Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....


IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Sears repair since.
_____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
__________________________________________________ _____

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________________________ ______

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ ______

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
__________________________________________________ ____________________

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!

"They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!"

Hell...they get ELECTED!!

Originally Posted by Richard Moore

Hell...they get ELECTED!!

I've got a picture of him "reading" with a small child, there are two adults and the small child, *he* is holding his book UPSIDE DOWN!

I've got another picture of him with 'the troops' looking out through binoculars ... except that his binoculars still have the protective covers on the lens.

Then there is the one where he is reading something to the pope, and the pope drops his head into his hands and sighs.

Yeah, getting ELECTED is the easy part - heck, you only need to win 5-4.