Lawyer joke

[Richard Stanley]

1st person stood in the meeting and said " all lawyers are a$$holes".
2nd person rose and said "I object to that statement".
1st person, "Are you a lawyer"?
2nd person, "No, I'm an a$$hole".

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[Markus Keller]

My wife actually laughed at that one. As an attorney she usually grimaces at lawyer jokes.

[Jerry McCarthy]

Oldie but still good.....

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

[Joe Klampfer]

Heard this one from my lawyer...

A doctor & a lawyer meet for the first time at a party, after learning of each others profession the doctor says to the lawyer...
I just hate these social events, whenever someone finds out I'm a Dr., they all tell me of their ailments and ask my advice.
The lawyer says that's not a problem for him since he's figured out a way around it all.
The Dr.'s ears perk right up and he says really... tell me how you handle it.
Lawyer says whenever that happens to me, I just figure that I've given them good valuable advice and so the next day when I get to my office, I send them a bill.
The Dr. says what a great idea, I'm gonna try that. The next day he goes to his office and there's a bill from the lawyer.

[Richard Moore]

Nothing to do with lawyers, but my sister in England constantly sends me jokes. Now and then one really tickles my funny bone...

==========

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for the pains racking his body, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was this actually heaven? Or could it be one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand reached up, trembling, towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .....

.........
.........

'F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[Jerry McCarthy]

another oldie, but goodie:

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer where arguing who had the smartest dog.
They eventually decided they would hold a contest to resolve their argument.

Early the following Saturday morning they met at the local soccer field. The doctor had a bag with him and after they gathered in a circle with their dogs at their heels the doctor opened the bag and threw a pile of human bones onto the field. “Arrange now, Scalpel” the doctor instructed his dog.

Scalpel quickly arranged the bones into a perfect replica of a human skeleton.
“Pretty impressive admitted the engineer as he retrieved the bones and then threw them helter skelter onto the field and said, “GG Bridge, Sliderule” to his dog.

Carefully grabbing the bones in his jaw Sliderule arranged them into a perfect replica of the Golden Gate Bridge.

“Very nice.” muttered the attorney as he gathered up the bones and then threw them on the ground. “Go for it Tort” he yelled at his dog.

Tort immediately raised his back leg, wizzed on the doctor and engineer pant’ legs, humped the other two dogs, picked up all the bones, and ran away.