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Thread: Tools explained

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    Southwest US
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    Default Tools explained

    Got this in an email today, thought I'd share

    Tools Explained
    I can attest that each & every one of these tools can & will work 100% like the definition suggests.
    Any of these sound familiar?


    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"


    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.


    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.


    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..


    Son of a bitch TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


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    Last edited by Benjamin Thompson; 12-10-2012 at 03:39 PM.
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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    Lake Barrington, IL
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    Default Re: Tools explained

    Nicely sums up my experiences.

    Eric Barker, ACI
    Lake Barrington, IL

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Fredericksburg, VA
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    885

    Default Re: Tools explained

    Quote Originally Posted by Benjamin Thompson View Post
    Got this in an email today, thought I'd share

    Tools Explained
    I can attest that each & every one of these tools can & will work 100% like the definition suggests.
    Any of these sound familiar?

    .... snip
    Son of a bitch TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    Last two SOB tools were Stanley Bostitch pneumatic nailers. One a brad gun and the 2nd a 15ga finish gun. Never will I buy another Bostitch.

    The above statements are expressed solely as my opinion and in all probability will conflict with someone else's.
    Stu, Fredericksburg VA

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Columbus GA
    Posts
    3,746

    Default Re: Tools explained

    Add to the list

    Edge plainer: A tool used to make mounts and mounds of wood shavings out of very expensive exotic lumber.

    Safety glasses: Device used to cover your eyes so you cannot see what you are about to do to yourself.

    Propane grill: Hair removal tool.

    ' correct a wise man and you gain a friend... correct a fool and he'll bloody your nose'.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Utah
    Posts
    30

    Exclamation Re: Tools explained

    Very entertaining for those of us who have done most of these things.

    Merrick Inspections LLC

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Lake Barrington, IL
    Posts
    1,363

    Default Re: Tools explained

    This photo came the other day - seemed appropriate for this topic.

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    Eric Barker, ACI
    Lake Barrington, IL

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Southwest US
    Posts
    585

    Default Re: Tools explained

    Well... You only do that once!

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